WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Always a housemaid, never a house.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
The point of your 20s
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
How times have changed.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.