Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.