Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

ㅤ

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

boys are so easy to impress

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.