Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Don’t frighten the programmers!

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”