Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
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somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook