waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
