waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
