Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
*puts cutlery down*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
good work, everybody
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch