Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour