Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
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Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!