Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
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Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin