Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
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Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Jail
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
New menu item
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.