waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Carpe DM
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.