waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
You Might Also Like
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
how was your vacation
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?