Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

water it, i dare you

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

I laughed at this way too hard.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way