Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Hit me in the face with a bird

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages