waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.