waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Sooo many times…..
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Not even remotely sorry.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours