Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

Sign of the day..

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.