Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅