WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
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FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.