WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
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Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Cat.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Sheep
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.