*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
All is fair in drunk and war.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.