*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I have two kinds of followers
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
I’d use my best pan on you.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.