*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.