*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Never be a pizza!
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.