Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?