Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Easy enough.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Always…
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.