*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now