Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.