*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Saturday
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint