*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
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Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Pro tip for my good boys out there
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.