Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me