Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

Aight bet

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

Single worst piece of software ever invented

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

The Eggorcist

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge