*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
You Might Also Like
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?