[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Yeah. This was me today.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
lmao
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
