[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Sorry. Not sorry
My work here is don’t.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face