*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
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I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.