*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
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When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist