Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY