“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
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Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Social Media and Real life
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Huge if true.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫