“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
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*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.