Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?