wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
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Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked