wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
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Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
🤣😂🤣😂
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo