wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
yeah 😭
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I enjoy a good short stor
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake