wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
when there are deer in the woods
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video