wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
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No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*