Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”