wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
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Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”