Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You Might Also Like
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
