Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Always…
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
