Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks