Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.