Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

😼🖥️

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.