Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.