*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
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Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.