Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

The most accurate map ever devised.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

new year update: losing everything but weight

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot