@TheDailySchmuck

*wakes up after all night party*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

How did I get on this escalator?

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@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@WilliamAder

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

@MomofTeen

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

@KKAlThani

If “Bieber fever” is when a Bieber song comes on the radio & you start throwing up & stabbing yourself, then yes I had Bieber fever once.

@The1WhosCrazy

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@ashleyaustrew

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.

@sfreeze6

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

@KenJennings

If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.