Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.