Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”