Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Had a spot of bother earlier.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.