Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dude it’s called proctologist

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.