Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

*swipes right on my hand mirror

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”