Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Is your wife single?

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

ㅤㅤ

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?