Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

◾️

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*