Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Choose your fighter

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…