Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

everyone’s a critic

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Tier 3 meme

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Can’t, holding a grudge

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: