*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
incredible text to wake up to
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
#Caturday
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
well this is just bullshirt
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?