*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

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facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once


Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…


COMEDY FAN: Ugh their set was only 95% new material, lame

MUSIC FAN: Oh man I hope they play my favorite song that they’ve played 71,000 times


Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no


My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.

A lot of you need to miss recess.


[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts


“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”


I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed