@daemonic3

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

@UnFitz

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

@bad_as_you_want

Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it…after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course

@AndyAsAdjective

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: gimme a double

BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]

ME: no I meant a double Scotch

BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]

@Megatronic13

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

@girl_a_whirl

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else