facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up
“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
COMEDY FAN: Ugh their set was only 95% new material, lame
MUSIC FAN: Oh man I hope they play my favorite song that they’ve played 71,000 times
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.
A lot of you need to miss recess.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*plot gets twisted.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed