*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The Assassin.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.