*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.