Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

Maths meets science

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

there has never been a better use of this meme

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”